Honey and Clover
December 22, 2006 by the-anime-in-me
I’m a blue funk these days…must be the result of indulging in too much shoujo every night. I’ve just finished watching Peach Girl (which was a total nerve-wrecker) and tried to soothen my poor hyperacticve nerves with a bit of Honey and Clover, it appearing to be all pastely and slow-paced. That was a major misconception.
Someone told me I love to wallow in misery. He said I liked feeling "lonely" for some reason. Maybe his right, maybe he isn’t. The thing is, I’ve known for a long time that I’m so different. I’ve yet to come across another romantic idealist like myself, the kind who, like me, believes that others will fail me first before I will fail them. I expect the misery, that’s why I look forward to it. In any case, I’m kinda "lost" these days. I mean, I always knew there was this deep void inside me that could only be pacified by anime but lately, the void is slowly engulfing whatever light I have burning within. I cannot explain this sound that I hear over and over again, like the wheels of a bicycle—monotonous and empty.
I’m searching…searching for answers that I know could not be found. I have been searching for a long time and with every step of the way, I hear that same sound—churning in my brain, echoing in my heart. I do not know what or who could fill this void. I’ve tried so many times, looked into so many souls but my hands and yes, my heart still remain empty.
As I watched Takemoto riding his bike in Honey and Clover, I too heard the same echoes as he. It was the sound of loneliness. It was having a map but not having a destination. I know I’m moving forward but where exactly am I moving towards to?
Maybe that’s why I should keep riding…keep moving forward without ever looking back. I believe it’s the only way I would realize how important the things I left behind are to me.
Earlier today, a friend told me that I should not give in to my emotions easily. He said I should "savor the moment" while it is still alive and could be touched. But then, when I do that, all I could taste is the bittersweet flavor of loneliness…
I want to find my answers soon…but I have been searching for twenty seven long years. I must find it…someday…surely…
