Mada Mada Da Ne

I was scouring the internet for some interesting write-ups after having overdosed on online manga and fanfiction when I ran across the blog of an old “acquaintance.” I haven’t had any contact with this person in a few years and I really though that she had gotten a life so to speak. Upon reading her entry, I nearly choked with a mixture of annoyance and mirth. She was still the same unhappy, insensitive, and deeply arrogant soul, the way she was before she got hitched.

For the life of me, I could not understand what made her so bitter or so intent on blaming other people for her shortcomings. For one thing, she sincerely thinks that others envy her situation when in reality, they do not give a damn about her messed-up life. Another is, she keeps declaring that she’s “happy and contented” with her new life but ironically, she keeps conforming to what other people might say about her. In all respects, she was totally pathetic and reading her thoughts just confirmed the reasons why I severed my friendship with her.

The good thing about being married to a wonderful and understanding person and welcoming a new life into your home is that you can view these trivial things from a different perspective. Had I been my single self, I would have ranted and raved about the absolute crappiness of that person who, incidentally, was the very same individual who gave me so much headaches before owing to her selfish, jealous, and MALICIOUS nature. But now that I’m a mommy, I see this as a mere proof of the reality that those who cannot open their hearts fully and let compassion and love in can never be truly happy. In short, I am just an observer and taking life lessons from what I can see and observe.

My husband and I pledged that from the day I conceived Yan-Yan, she will be brought up in a world that does not hate, that does not envy, and that does not judge blindly. I am glad that I can re-assess my actions and beliefs each day by learning from the lives of others. I am also deeply happy that unlike my bitter acquaintance, I have anime beside me, shining the light down the right path. I am trying to bring Yan-Yan up with as much anime philosophies as I could manage, for I want her to be true to herself and to never give up even when things seem their darkest. I am also glad that my husband feels the same way.

With this, I can only look at the lonesome state of my acquaintance and pray for her reform. Malice lives in her heart and she has carried it to the heart of her offspring. It’s a sad thing that the new bud will still be covered with the sores of hatred and pride. Prophetically, she and her little one will never experience true happiness. To this day, I will say what I have always said to her:

Look deep inside your heart and realize what you have become.

Throw away your pride and hatred.

Accept your mistakes.

Do not run from the consequences of your mistakes.

BE HONORABLE.

It was the farthest possible thing from my mind but last night, since YanYan went to sleep early and peacefully (mainly due to her cough medicine), I got myself ready in front of my hubby’s laptop which, ironically, is situated right in front of the television (how’s that for multi-tasking!) in order to watch Code Geass when my hubby flipped channels and announced that the “Boys Over Flowers” is now airing on ABS-CBN. Curious, mostly because I am so totally in love with the HYD franchise having watched every version possible (actually there were only 2 versions before, so sue me), I condescended to watch the first eppie. What a major disappointment.

The Korean version, apart from the annoying fact that it had very little semblance plot-wise with the manga, is nothing but a crappy, trying-hard rendition of a well-known classic. Forget the fact that it is dubbed in atrocious Tagalog (I could watch the original version online anyway), the whole series is a total wipe-out from the very first eppie. The girl they used to play Makino Tsukushi was overdoing the role it sucked big-time. She was shouting so much I had to lower the volume so as not to wake up Yan-Yan who was sleeping in our room (our last yaya borrowed money and went on a trip to Neverland so there ya go—the whoop-de-whoop of parenthood).  As for the Korean F4 version, I truly believed that the idiotic producer of the series concentrated only on putting up a more “kawaii” looking F4 than the Japanese and Taiwanese versions. Given: the guys have the looks, but the acting? Let’s not go into details lest you want to throw up your lunch.

In fine, I think the HYD franchise is overused and over-produced. It was enough that a Japanese version came out after the Taiwanese one seeing that the latter made a lot of deviations from the manga, chracterization-wise. Having another, this time completely distorted version is really saturating the whole thing. In any case, the Korean HYD sucks and if anybody would contradict me on this or get offended by my assessment, bully for you. This is MY opinion and nothing short of a phenomenal disaster can change it.

In any case, Yan-Yan’s growing up exceptionally fast and getting unbelievably cuter and feistier with each passing day. Soon, she will be able to join Mommy and Tito Cymark with their evening anime marathons (yay!!!) and Mommy and Daddy with their weekly jdorama fever (double yay!!!). Soon, she’ll learn than anime will make everyone happy and jdoramas are the best series to watch and learn from. Soon, she’ll be loving Matsujun as much as Mommy though Jun-kun will be totally ancient by that time, but hey, Yan-Yan will have Johnny’s Jr. to look forward to. Soon, Yan-Yan will be reading this post and nodding her pretty little head saying, “So desu ne, okaachan.” ^_^.

How long as it been since I made my last blog? Ages, obviously. “Kuroi Namida” was written when I was still single and without my precious bundle of joy gurgling right beside me in her car seat. Yep, yep minna, I am officially an OKAACHAN! On November 26, 2008, I experienced the true meaning of “the principle of equivalent exchange.” Yes, minna, Kami-sama is indeed a generous, compassionate, and unbelievably intelligent soul. “In order to obtain, something of equal value must be given in return.” To obtain the wondrous gift of parenthood, my husband and I gave something of equal value: LOVE. Hence, on that fated date, Yanagi Lei came to this world, no longer a figment of my anime imagination. 

I will not even try to describe how much it means to us, with Yan-Yan in our lives now. Words totally fail me. Putting everything in an anime perspective (as I always d this anyway hehe), life has been a happy, confused blend of shoujo/slice-of-life. You have your extremely rewarding moments such as holding in your arms the sweetest gift life could possibly give and then you have your downhill battles such as the harsh realities of the legal profession (believe me, I would quit if I could). But no matter how rough the battlefield may become, when I come home and see my daughter’s smiling face, her rosy-white cheeks flushing, and ebony eyes shining with happiness upon seeing her mommy and daddy, only one thought comes to mind: “Life goes on…suteki da ne (isn’t it beautiful?).”

Thus, despite the lingering qualms that there will be many, many more difficult hurdles in the future, I am ready to face them, armed with the gifts of parenthood and anime. This blog will reflect my life’s journey and I am hoping that when the time comes, Yan-Yan will read my thoughts reflected here and during the most trying times of her life, she will find solace and strength in my life experiences and say,”mada, mada da ne.”

If there ever was a perfect word in the Webster dictionary to describe yours truly, then Mr. Webster really had me at the "v" section of his book. I first came across the world "vulnerable" when I was in grade school immersed in Sweet Dreams novels. It was pathetic, really, those Sweet Dreams books. I only read them since Japanese manga was nonexistent in my world at that time though I would picture out the cute guys in those books as Rukawa prototypes and hell, I didn’t even know who Rukawa was at that time. Talk about "I knew I loved you before I met you!" Anyway, going back to the word "vulnerable," it was a funny twist of fate that when I was only about ten years old and not even really knowing what that word meant, I felt that it was me…fully…completely. It was as if that word was made because I existed, not the other way around. Oh, later on I found out the meaning of that word and it does apply to the situations of millions of other people but it had a different color, a much deeper vibe when linked with me. The connection went beyond the borders of mere definition…"vulnerable" had my name etched on it…like eternity in a tiny box…like time in a crystal bottle.

When I started obsessing with anime, I got hooked into the shoujo genre. For those who are just involved in mainstream anime, shoujo is a totally different world which they could barely touch, much less understand, but for eternal dreamers like myself, shoujo is the world that shows the true beauty of anime. Shoujo genre deals with real-life relationships…dating relationships, serious commitments, friendship, family, and all the intricacies of life and love with the magic of anime woven in making it all the more beautiful…and magical.

Anyway, watching shoujo gave an even more bittersweet meaning to the word "vulnerable" in my case. When I watched Mitsuki in Full Moon Wo Sagashite blindly believing in her one, true love whom she was separated from and believing with the purest of truths that her voice, her song could reach out to touch that love, my tears were unstoppable. I felt her pain…yet I felt her fulfillment in that painful moment. When I watched Nana, my realities became suffused with too much "vulnerability." Komatsu Nana…she falls in love too quick, too fast. She gives everything at one, single instant. She’s not afraid to fall hard…and break down each time she does. The need to be loved, to be pampered, to be tucked with the warm blanket of emotional security seeped from every pore of Nana’s being and the consequences brought about by such "vulnerability" were too painful to watch…even for me. I understood Nana so completely it scared me how the connection to my own "vulnerability" was so tight…taking my breath away.

I guess the strongest connection though was with Honey and Clover. I made a post way back on this anime on the "failed love" theory. Of course, I never expected anybody to understand just how much truth I uncovered with that anime…nor do I expect to meet anybody who would understand my "vulnerability" in loving.

Rambling on, I guess that’s what makes my life so colorful…and sad. "Kuroi Namida"…I cry black tears…tears of frustration and of such deep-seated loneliness, a longing to be understood by this world encased in nothing but cruel realities. The plight of a romantic idealist is most pitiable….born to destroy and self-destruct…believing that others will fail me, will always fail me for the trust I reposed could never be reciprocated. Too many disappointments and betrayals in this lifetime…too many bitter memories…for all of them I shed black tears.

Many who are into anime claim they "love" anime but I wonder just how many of them watch with the blind faith of their souls rather than with the jaded visions of their eyes. Just how "vulnerable" are they to the naked truths anime portrays in each of the characters, in each plot, in each and every line and lyric? I cry black tears for I never felt so alone and yet…yet I still hope…and I do know right *here* that there will come a time that my "vulnerability" will be enveloped with "security" by the one who will turn the black tears to crystals of pure, white eternity.

Just finished watching Xxxholic and I am left in about as much a weird state by that anime than the anime itself…whatever that means. So for today, I will entertain myself (as I usually do) with some totally random and xxxholic ("holic" means an addiction to something like that affliction collectors have for their umm…collection…duh!) thoughts:

1. I took an MI test yesterday which told me that I am an "intrapersonal" person. My lowest score was with the "interpersonal" category. That explains a lot. Since I’m "intrapersonal," I’m not "interpersonal." Duh!

2. My clients have not been paying me on time. I’m thinking of resorting to voodoo to get them to pay. Should be more effective than demand letters.

3. I just found out I only have two friends whose zodiac signs are "Leo." I never liked animals anyway.

4. Someone told me she thought I "gained weight." She should have looked in the mirror first but then, her reflection wouldn’t be covered in the entire mirror. I don’t have any extra fat in my body. If I were a pig, the slaughterhouse would pay to keep me out.

5. I blew my top last night. It was way better than losing my bottoms. Hah!

6. I am now nearing the same age as Kenshin. Well, we’re both anti-aging anyway.

7. I am currently hearing Kujibiki Unbalanced playing in loop in my head. This only proves that I am normal and it’s the rest of the world that’s peculiar.

8. I recently developed a great aversion for clowns. They have such big, fat mouths.

9. My neopet is still alive!!!

10. I want to eat choco-banana crepes with three scoops of vanilla ice-cream…no cherry on top.

11. Somebody said using artificial family planning methods is expensive. The last time I checked, a condom cost less than Php 20.00.

12. I only checked the condom price. I have no use for it. Haha.

13. I have not had a bishounen attack for the past two months. It’s highly unnatural. Am I abnormal now?

14. Maki Pulido from Reporter’s Notebook called me up yesterday for a phone patch interview. I told her I’m afraid the phone can’t talk.

15. I don’t have anything to wear…and three closets to keep them all in.

16. I dumped Rukawa. He told me I was as beautiful as a newly-pumped, newly-waxed Spalding.

17. … which got me to thinking: did he meant that my face is round as a cookie and white as flour?

18. Rukawa is not a figment of my imagination but for some reason, I am the only one who can see him.

19. Hey, I can’t help it, I’m normal! It’s the lot of you who’s peculiar.

20. I make sense to myself.

Banners up fellow anime otakus!!! Those who were unfortunate enough to view the garbage of an episode of Jessica Soho Reports last night should realize by now that what that misinformed, unbelievably stupid show did was a total insult to say the least to all anime fans out there. First of all, let me start of venting this incalculable fury by saying that I, once upon a time, had respected that overweight journalist for "researching" her material before airing it on nationwide tv. I take it back. That buffoon just takes hook, line, and sinker whatever her researchers feed her without bothering to verify the data.

For those who may have missed that God-forsaken episode, the show featured "hentai animes" and actually blamed the stuff for spurning abnormalities in the sexual and psychological development of children, especially teenagers. To pump things up a bit, Jessica Soho conducted an interview with a supposed "otaku" who collected anime dvds and such. For the love of Inari-sama, that pig interviewed a hormonally imbalanced idiot whose idea of anime was that it was "cool" to watch because of the "great drawings." I could have puked right there and then.

First off, Jessica Soho lumped anime into two major categories, the "hentai" stuff and the "cartoons," claiming that the "wholesome" anime is supposed to be for kids. Ok, the worst thing about nosy people is that they never seem to leave enough alone. What the hell did anime do to them anyway? Anime has been in existence for decades, even before we knew that it was called anime, and that includes hentai anime. Why should they now pick on it as a reason for the sexual abnormalities of isolated perverted individuals? Anime is not "cartoons," for the gazillionth time! Japan has refused to call it "cartoons" specifically because the cartoon term was a Walt Disney creation to separate kiddie shows from adult ones. Anime was never intended for kids because of its intricate plots, realistic portrayals of situations, intense characterization, and soulful views of relationships. That’s what separates it from "cartoons" albeit it is portrayed in "animation" style and not with live actors. Even the most mundane anime like Dragonball Z and Akazukin Cha Cha have complicated storylines that would put Grimm’s Fairytales to shame.

Second, not all hentai animes are about fucking each other’s brains out. Even the most bizarre hentai anime has a storyline that could actually be a good plot for an otherwise "wholesome" anime if it were not for the head-banging sex and stuff. Of course, the fact that that perv Jessica Soho interviewed had donut dough for brains by categorizing Alice Academy as hentai didn’t exactly clear the already muddled waters. Anime is being misunderstood enough as it is without her throwing in more mindless confusion. If she considers the necessary love scenes in anime as hentai, then woe befall Nobuhiro Watsuki for even creating Seisouhen or Ken Watanabe for even thinking of animating Basilisk. If I were Watsuki, I would be carrying a deathscythe right this moment to butcher GMA’s so-called top journalist for mercilessly murdering my life’s work, reducing it to lower that snake’s spit. Seisouhen even proclaimed to all viewers to watch the movie with "all their hearts." Little did Watsuki know Soho was blaming Kaoru’s unconditional love for Kenshin as a source of neurotic disorder in today’s teens.

Third, I am a journalist myself and isn’t it one of the basic tenets of "responsible journalism" that you always have to get both sides of the issue before presenting the same and present the sides in equal proportions so that the public can decide for themselves which side is actuall valid? Then why did that hog interview a hormonally crazed perv and failed to solicit the opinion of the other true-blue anime otakus who do not let their sexual organs think for them?

Lastly, I would like to point out that last night’s episode of Jessica Soho Reports really stabbed at the very heart of the otaku culture. We, who work so hard to promote anime to the already jaded and misinformed world are being slapped so hard in the face. Anime is not just a hobby for the otaku. It is our religion, our way of live. We live and breathe anime because it is reality as "it should be." We know the characters not just as "cartoons" but as parts of our lives. I grew up with Yuusuke, fell in love with Kurama, admired Kenshin, was protected by Rekka, laughed with Ranma and Onizuka, tried hard to be like Yankumi, understood from the depths of my heart Takemoto’s feelings, fought long and hard with Kira, Asran, Ichigo, and the Sanzo-gumi, played and cheered with Sakuragi, Rukawa, Eichizen, and the entire Seishun and Shohokou Academy, cried with Mitsuki, felt at peace with Tohru, and created so many memories with all my other anime friends. I came to understand life’s beauty, love’s magic, and friendship’s strength because of anime and I want to share all these truly wonderful things with those who would just give up without even trying. I have made it through a lot of difficult times because anime was there to show me that it’s never over until you say so, hence the title "Mada,mada da ne." My life is not without its proverbial potholes but I walk that path with an optimistic mind and loving heart because anime has taught me that my happiness lies in conquering my own self.

GMA once declared itself an anime nation, but GMA betrayed us otakus. Now, GMA is handing us over for a death sentence. This is beyond cruel. We cannot take this lying down…not anymore. Anime has given me and my brother the chance to believe that dreams are not mere illusions but shadows of reality that only need to be given substance. We have been living our dreams and we live to share those dreams with our fellow otakus and those who have not yet seen the light. We will not allow irresponsible people like Jessica Soho and GMA to snuff the flames that kindle our dreams. Kenshin always said a person is strongest when he lives for others and lives to protect. I endear all my fellow otakus to help protect the otaku culture and the anime nation from the new devil that has risen. THIS IS WAR!

"Snow Angel" is actually the title of Onegai Teacher’s theme song sung by Kotoko. It’s one of those soft-themed animes which centers on the universal plot of a simple-turned-complicated love affair. However, since it is anime, it just has more depth, more edge, and more soul that your usual humdrum, shallow collection of telenovelas and blah romance novels.

I chose to name this post Snow Angel just to introduce a sweet little concept that has been floating in my sweet not-so-little mind for eternity. You see, I always have these conversations-turned-arguments with certain people regarding the concept of "love." A friend of mine challeneged me to define "love," something which I refused to do. I told him that defining Love is equivalent to placing parameters on it. In short, you are just limited with whatever definition you choose to give it. I believe this is utter crap since Love is supposed to be unconditional, transcends normal human boundaries, hence indescribable and indefinable. So I told him, "I cannot define it for I am not worthy. Only God could possibly define love. But I am human so though I cannot define Love, I know it because I can feel it…here."

Another time, another friend on the net said that Love is conditional, never unconditional since it is a contract between two persons. I think she was confusing Love with Marriage, the latter being an inviolable social contract. She also said that human love is imperfect that’s why it’s conditional. How sad. It seems a lot of us think so little of our capacity to love and that whatever we do in this world is just full of imperfections. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We believe we are incapable of giving true and pure love even before we could even try. But how come we think it’s so impossible to give a pure and true love? Don’t we at least believe in our capacity to dream, to fulfill that dream, and to believe that since there is a Higher Being in this world, we could reach that dream of loving completely?

*Sigh*…sometimes it pains me to know that in this world, there are only few romantic idealists left. Surely, if we just think that all we are capable of giving is an imperfect human love, then there’s no reason for us to even try loving at all. I am not saying I’m the only one who knows how to love but I do try to transcend beyond selfish human thinking that you only love if you’re loved right back. I have loved so many times, been hurt so many times, but as I matured over the years, I’ve learned that there is no sweeter, more fulfilling thing than to just love without expecting anything in return. It’s like sharing a part of yourself with someone and creating a memory to cherish forever…over time. There’s no need for reciprocation…just the realization that you have truly learned to love.

As Takemoto said, "I often wondered if there was any meaning to a failed love. When I fell in love with you, I was truly grateful for I learned that indeed, there was a meaning. Surely…there is." Takemoto loved Hagu but Hagu could not return Takemoto’s feelings. However, this did not stop Takemoto from loving her. Hagu, for her part felt that sweet, pure love that was innocent yet passionate, meek yet brave and though she could not return it in the same manner, she cherished all the memories she shared with Takemoto and loved him in her own way. Takemoto was right. There was a meaning to a "failed love." In fact…it was never a "failed love" at all.

Of course, many would still refute all these ideals that I have, but then, remember—these are MY ideals…my DREAMS. I live and breathe them. I am the way I am because I believe in them. I am not saying what I believe in is right or in any way better, but I do know one thing—I am contented with the way I love and the way I am loved back, even if the feelings returned are not in the same level. This means, I am doing something right for myself…and for that other person.

With this little piece of prose, ponder a while on these heartwarming lyrics from Snow Angel. May you have the strength to continue dreaming and loving like the rest of us at Radical Dreamers 2002…

"Two shadows are standing side by side carrying frozen hearts
Our chance meeting in this snow-white world was a miracle
meaning that I’m not alone anymore.
Instead of searching for words
I’m praying to snow angels
In the spinning, starless sky…"

I took this face geneology test several times with several different pictures and 95% of the time, I wind up with the same celebrities. The most common names to pop up seem to be Kana, Lee Hyori, Song Hye Kyo, Ami Suzuki, Ueto Aya and Zhang Zi Yi. What I have in common with them is one hell of a damned puzzle even to me. I think the system’s gone bonkers…duh! (Sure would’ve been nice if I DID look a bit like them )
 

I’m a blue funk these days…must be the result of indulging in too much shoujo every night. I’ve just finished watching Peach Girl (which was a total nerve-wrecker) and tried to soothen my poor hyperacticve nerves with a bit of Honey and Clover, it appearing to be all pastely and slow-paced. That was a major misconception.

Someone told me I love to wallow in misery. He said I liked feeling "lonely" for some reason. Maybe his right, maybe he isn’t. The thing is, I’ve known for a long time that I’m so different. I’ve yet to come across another romantic idealist like myself, the kind who, like me, believes that others will fail me first before I will fail them. I expect the misery, that’s why I look forward to it. In any case, I’m kinda "lost" these days. I mean, I always knew there was this deep void inside me that could only be pacified by anime but lately, the void is slowly engulfing whatever light I have burning within. I cannot explain this sound that I hear over and over again, like the wheels of a bicycle—monotonous and empty.

I’m searching…searching for answers that I know could not be found. I have been searching for a long time and with every step of the way, I hear that same sound—churning in my brain, echoing in my heart. I do not know what or who could fill this void. I’ve tried so many times, looked into so many souls but my hands and yes, my heart still remain empty.

As I watched Takemoto riding his bike in Honey and Clover, I too heard the same echoes as he. It was the sound of loneliness. It was having a map but not having a destination. I know I’m moving forward but where exactly am I moving towards to?

Maybe that’s why I should keep riding…keep moving forward without ever looking back. I believe it’s the only way I would realize how important the things I left behind are to me.

Earlier today, a friend told me that I should not give in to my emotions easily. He said I should "savor the moment" while it is still alive and could be touched. But then, when I do that, all I could taste is the bittersweet flavor of loneliness…

I want to find my answers soon…but I have been searching for twenty seven long years. I must find it…someday…surely…

A bit of a 411 for the unitiated: the creator of that mainstream anime Naruto which everyone goes bonkers over is the very same genius who created Bleach. Naturally, while most ignorant Filipinos only know from Naruto (and here I am talking to those without any anime sense in them who watch Tagalog-dubbed versions of the series), Bleach is actually the better series in my undaunted, unwavering, and never-to-be-challenged opinion. Of course, Bleach took a bit of a downturn after the tremendous climax of Season 1. The Bound Arc is just a major feeler, or so I think, to make Aizen and his company of loonies (and here I am so referring to the crackpot Ichimaru) regroup or something. Nonetheless, I am writing this completely nonsensical update not for any reason but juts to express annoyance over the hype over Naruto which is vastly overrated. I’m not an anti-Naruto, mind you. If I were, how in the world would I explain my never-ending obsession over YuYu. But Naruto is well…just too "ugly" (I’m referring to the character, not the series) though I am not too shallow enough to judge an anime merely by its animation. There’s just not too much plot in Naruto either. As with Bleach, well the Second Season is a bit of a disappointment but the First Season was enough to get one hooked. Besides, Ichigo is a damn sight better than Naruto, mwahaha! Oh well enough of this don’t bite my head off this is a BLOG and I’m entitled to BLOG my views no matter how nasty (grins evilly). I’m off to watch Ouran High School Host Club, betcha you never heard of that one (bleh!). Ja!